What I have NOT explained before is that the articles I often code are often so poorly-written that I actually e-mail myself excerpts to read later when I'm bored (and to fill up my inbox since no one ELSE emails me). The following is a list of actual quotes from articles I have edited on clothing and crafting articles. They might not be as funny to you as they are to me, but I thought I'd share the love anyway -- along with my own editorial comments.
From an article about caring for silk scarves: "Hang it [the silk scarf] indoors to dry to prevent damage from the sun, wind or outdoor insects that could attack your scarf if it is dried outside."
Really? And I thought the butterflies and bees only went after flowers and occasionally human beings, not after colorful fashion accessories.
How to accessorize a red dress: "Create more attention by intensifying the red dress with shimmery silver boots and a matching bolero. Complete the ensemble with silver rings, bangles, and an eye-catching silver and ruby pendent [sic]."
Okay. First of all, if I wore this much silver in one outfit, I'd look like I escaped from a NASA space shuttle. Second of all, the document was typed in Microsoft Word, which does in fact contain a spellchecker, and the word "pendent" makes me think of "impending doom." Or maybe it was all that silver.
"Accessorize the red dress with a pair of lemon-yellow pumps, gold jewelry and a matching yellow clutch. Yellow is cheery and attention-getting, which coordinates well with the emotional responses that red will evoke."
The only emotional responses a putrid combination of lemon yellow and red will evoke are strange involuntary desires to eat salsa -- and to find the young woman wearing the dress a tailor.
Yes, we're still talking about red dresses: "Use a color wheel to coordinate vibrant color options."
That's right, folks. If you're not sure which shade of silver, yellow or "multi-colored accessories" to choose, consult your pocket color wheel or move the one framed on your wall around to discover that green complements red. Then make sure you ONLY wear those colors together and ONLY after Christmas is over.
An important thing to note while looking for durable children's shoes: "Shoes that fit well wear better than ill-fitting shoes."
Oh, of COURSE! That makes sense! As Luther Heggs told his lady friend Alma in the film The Ghost and Mr. Chicken, "My mother always said she'd rather eat good food than bad any old day of the week." But wait. That dialogue was supposed to be intentionally brainless.
And now for my final gem of the day. Ladies, remember this when you're shopping for your wedding dress: "After the news of your engagement has been shouted from the rooftops and you've caught your breath, it's time to start shopping."
Phew. Now (pant) that I've (pant) caught my breath (pant) from telling my parents and all the people in my (pant) singles ward that have (pant) been fasting and praying that I would (pant) eventually find my eternal companion, (pant) it's time to hit the mall to find my bridal gown.
I'm now covered for when I get married, have children, wear silk scarves and buy red dresses -- and so are you! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to slip into my shimmery silver boots and matching bolero.