Honestly...it's honesty

The other day, I had an "insert-foot-into-mouth" experience, something, sadly, that happens to me quite frequently because I'm opinionated and often speak without thinking. I was in a class and happened to join a conversation in which two people were comparing a book that I HATED to one of my favorite movies (and the comparison, by the way, was not even close).

When I made the mistake of saying, "Did you guys actually LIKE that book?" I found out that the woman's daughter had written it -- although she smoothed things over by saying, "Well, it's not for everyone."

I felt bad that I had inadvertently criticized this woman's daughter's writing. I'm a writer, and part of being a writer is reading and analyzing others' work, although I hate to hurt other writers' feelings since I know how hard it is to get published. But you know what bothered me even more? This woman is a prominent editor who has spent more than 20 years of her life writing and proofreading manuscripts. She has published books herself! She knows what good writing is -- and yet, her daughter's book, I'm sorry to say, was foolish, poorly-written and full of plot holes.

I am not trying to criticize this woman, nor am I trying to be more hard on her daughter. But this experience made me think once again about honesty and how blind we sometimes are. When our friends ask us how they look in their jeans, do we lie and tell them they look fantastic when maybe a bigger size or a different style would fit them better?

We're taught that little white lies are okay, and to an extent, they are. Being brutally honest about someone's weight, someone's singing voice or someone's writing can hurt them -- and it can cost you a relationship. But isn't puffing someone up with an inflated opinion of themselves, only to watch how much it hurts when they find out they're not as good as they thought, even worse?

One of the things I value about my parents is that they were ALWAYS honest about how we were doing. If I could have sung out more during a choir concert, my mom and dad let me hear about it. If I used too much repetition in my writing, my dad told me about it. I'll be straight up -- sometimes it wasn't what I wanted to hear. But I value it now because I know that when my parents DO pay me compliments, they're genuine, and it means I actually have talent in certain areas.

I guess what I'm saying is this: be honest with yourself, with your friends and with your family. If your child could use improvement in a certain area, tactfully tell her and find ways to help her improve! Tell your friend (nicely, of course) that she might want to do a bit of tweaking with her short story before she sends it off to Good Housekeeping. Don't sugarcoat things too much if you could help a family member reach his dreams by being a little more honest about how you really feel.

I'm not suggesting you throw tact out the window and unleash all the things you want to say, and I hope you don't think me arrogant and rude. I just know that I'd much rather receive a genuine compliment and know that I did well than embarrass myself because no one would tell me that, as my aunt puts it, "the emperor is buck naked."

The floodgates are now open, my friends. I'm willing to take all honest criticism from you -- and I promise, your friends and family will be glad you care enough about them to help them realize their dreams in an honest, sincere way.

American Idol Syndrome?

My branch president was talking about The Family: A Proclamation to the World recently, and how much one of the phrases had troubled him originally, because of the phrase "entitlement." Here is the phrase: "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity."

The First Presidency does not like the word "entitled," he said, because it means that you receive something you didn't work for, which completely contradicts the teachings of the gospel about "working out your salvation" and "reaping what you sow." But, my branch president said, this is the one right everyone is entitled to. It made me really happy that I can be a mom someday.

But his mention of the word "entitlement" reminded me of an editorial I wrote about a year ago about the "American Idol syndrome," which I will describe later. It came about because of my dad's gentle reminder when I wanted to go on a tour to Europe that I was necessarily entitled to everything that I wanted, and that it was important to work hard for things I really wanted and watch what I indulged in.

I feel like there's still a lot of us, myself included, who forget that we have to work for things that we want or need, since we have so much opportunity and wealth around us.  Which is why I've decided to repost my editorial, mostly as a wake-up call to myself about being patient and not getting in such a hurry to get everything that I want. Enjoy.

Entitled, narcissistic, saddled with an ‘American Idol complex.’

These are just a few of the terms used to describe the generation born after 1970, sometimes called the “millennials” or, as Jean Twenge, psychology professor at San Diego State University, calls them, “Generation Me.” “This is the social trend: do what makes you happy, and don’t worry about what other people think,” Twenge said in her book Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled — and More Miserable Than Ever Before.

Twenge said that today’s generation is more narcissistic than previous ones, and she linked narcissism in young people to seven social outcomes, including “materialism, interest in becoming famous, inflated and unrealistic expectations, more hookups and fewer boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, more gambling, more cheating, and more aggression and crime,” according to her blog on www.amazon.com.

And why shouldn’t Twenge and other experts feel this way? Some college students today blow thousands on the latest Mac computers, X-Box games and techno gadgets, and when they move back home for the break, they leave most of it behind, a phenomenon Ohio University recycling program head Ed Newman called “a study in conspicuous consumption” in an article on www.msnbc.com. Those living near Pennsylvania State University had the opportunity to look through 62 tons of leftover items from students in 2007, according to www.msnbc.com.

Even more disheartening are statistics from student loan company Nellie Mae, which estimates that the average undergraduate has $2,200 in credit card debt, while graduate students have $5,800. In her blog, Twenge argues that this generation, in which she includes herself, isn’t as happy with themselves as older generations believe they are.

“Many young people are distressed that our résumé-building, brag-friendly culture means they need to carefully ‘package’ themselves to get ahead. Others are profoundly angry that their parents and teachers did not prepare them for an increasingly competitive world that does not give out trophies for participation. They feel duped by adults who fed them patently absurd bromides like, ‘You can be anything you want to be,’” Twenge said.

Samuel Clay, chair of the Psychology Department at BYU-Idaho, agreed with Twenge’s assertion.

“Sometimes we have these grandiose ideas that our son or daughter will be the next star athlete or performer, and we can’t see that they’re not as talented as we think they are,” Clay said.

Clay also said that teachers pamper students too much in junior high and high school by providing extra credit.

“When the extra credit buck stops here, [students are] wondering what’s wrong and asking, ‘Why aren’t you doing this for me?’ They want to get into medical school or law school, but in my opinion, I don’t want my orthopedic surgeon getting into school on extra credit,” Clay said.

But are we really the pampered, spoiled brats that America thinks we are? A recent study published in USA Today suggests otherwise, as it found that young people today “are no more conceited today than they were 30 years ago.”

Sociologist Frank Furstenberg of the University of Pennsylvania noted that it is difficult to compare youth today with youth of previous decades.

“They may look more self-absorbed now because they’re growing up later, marrying later and having children later … Young adults can be very self-absorbed. That doesn’t mean they’ll stay that way,” Furstenberg said in the USA Today article.

It doesn’t mean that we have to stay that way, either. As LDS youth and students at BYU-Idaho, we have already raised the bar, and it just keeps getting higher.We can and should use our desire to be better than ever before to positively affect America.

Neil Howe, author of Millennials Rising: The Next Generation, already has faith in our ability to head in that direction.

“Over the next decade, the Millennial Generation will entirely recast the image of youth from downbeat and alienated to upbeat and engaged — with potentially seismic consequences for America,” Howe wrote.